Joe Rigney - The Dark Side of Empathy

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Joe Rigney - The Dark Side of Empathy

The author of the controversial bestseller "The Sin of Empathy" on Canon Press unties the threads that bind us to tactics of emotional manipulation

Will Spencer

May 30, 2025

In this week’s conversation with Dr. Joe Rigney, we explored one of the most controversial topics in Christian circles today: the idea that empathy can actually become sinful.

As someone who lived in San Francisco for 16 years, where empathy was the ultimate currency, I found Joe's insights both challenging and liberating.

What Makes Empathy Dangerous?

Joe explained that empathy becomes problematic when it's elevated as an "upgraded form of compassion" that loses touch with truth and moral standards. Unlike sympathy, which maintains some distance and judgment, toxic empathy demands total immersion in another's emotions without any critical evaluation. It's the difference between throwing a rope to someone drowning versus jumping in and drowning with them.

The real issue isn't caring for hurting people - that's biblical. The problem is when empathy becomes weaponized, turning into emotional blackmail where someone's feelings become the ultimate authority. We've all heard the manipulative phrase: "If you really loved me, you'd understand how I feel and do what I'm asking."

The Progressive Gaze Problem

One of Joe's most striking insights was about the "progressive gaze" - how many Christians have internalized a secular progressive judge sitting on their shoulder, evaluating whether they're being compassionate enough by worldly standards. This has led to Christians adopting progressive priorities to prove they're the "good kind" of Christians, unlike those "mean" cultural warriors.

This dynamic explains why so many churches got swept up in social justice movements and why biblical terms like "sodomy" disappeared from Christian vocabulary. We were performing for an audience that would never actually approve of biblical Christianity anyway.

The Victim-Hero Complex

Perhaps the most convicting part of our discussion was Joe's analysis of how everyone wants to be either the victim or the hero in their story - never the villain. This creates what he calls the "Victimhood Olympics," where people compete for the greatest oppression status because the greatest victim becomes invulnerable and sets the community's agenda.

I've seen this play out in counseling situations where marital conflicts between two sinning people get reframed as clear-cut abuse scenarios. Once someone claims victim status, any attempt to examine what actually happened gets labeled as "re-traumatizing" or "not believing survivors."

The Christ-Centered Alternative

The solution isn't to become apathetic or callous. Instead, Joe outlined a beautiful framework for biblical compassion using four statements: "This is hard," "I know you feel that way," "I'm with you in this," and "I have hope." This approach acknowledges pain while staying anchored to Christ rather than being swept away by emotions.

Jesus himself was the ultimate victim of injustice, yet he never played the victim. He suffered with purpose, entrusting himself to the Father who judges justly. That's the model for how we should respond to both our own suffering and others'.

Good Pretending and Christian Growth

One of the most practical concepts Joe shared was Lewis's idea of "good pretending" - asking yourself what you would do if you were full of the Holy Spirit and confident in God's love, then acting that way even when you don't feel it. It's sanctified "fake it till you make it," where you stumble your way into obedience and let God fan those efforts into flame.

This isn't hypocrisy; it's faith in action. When we don't know how to respond to a situation, we can imagine our Spirit-filled self and then ask God for help to live up to that vision.

The conversation reminded me why truth must always anchor our emotions. Feelings are powerful servants but terrible masters. When we let empathy run wild without biblical guardrails, we end up enabling destructive behavior and abandoning those who need real help. But when we anchor our compassion in God's truth, we can actually love people well - sometimes by saying hard things they need to hear.