What Culture Didn't Tell Me About Marriage

Nine discoveries from my first months as a husband that no one prepared me for

Many people have been asking me lately, "How's married life?"

It's wonderful, thank you. What a blessing!

Here are 9 ways that I'm appreciating being married that culture didn't prepare me for. (Number 7 might surprise you.)

1. Marriage is Entertaining

My wife and I laugh. A lot. We laugh with each other and at each other. We crack each other up with a look, and even laugh at how the other person is laughing. That's before we send reels, memes, and emojis.

Not to say we can't be serious. We can, and often are. But we enjoy each other's company for what it is, and express our appreciation by giving---and receiving!---the gift of humor.

"A joyful heart is good medicine" (Proverbs 17:22)

2. The Value of Companionship

As a single man, I didn't realize how much I missed having someone around physically, as in literally sharing my space with another person.

My wife and I don't even have to be in the same room. But there's a surprising reassurance in hearing her walking around outside my office, closing doors, opening cabinets, or breathing next to me while sleeping.

It's not the same as a roommate, either. With a roommate there's an expectation of maintaining their personal space. Meanwhile, I can walk up and hug---or grab ;)---my wife anytime.

"It's not good for man to be alone," (Genesis 2:18) can probably be taken literally.

3. Keeping a Greater Vision

While sharing space so closely, there are things every day that either of us can feel slighted over. That's not unusual, I think. Even on a road trip between two close friends, those miniature events occur. Marriage is no different.

So every day gives me the chance to ask, "Are my feelings here worth it? Or can I let it go?"

Because sharing the gift of humor and feeling a sense of physical reassurance are priceless commodities. Why would I squander our fellowship with petty feelings that I can probably make go away with a drink of water, a snack, or a nap?

"Above all, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony" (Colossians 3:14)

4. Communication and Collaboration

My wife and I communicate differently. We've found a revealing example of that in my use of the phrase, "That's fine." This caused a bit of conflict for a moment.

When I say, "That's fine," my wife hears me saying that a thing meets a minimum low standard. To her, "fine" means "barely acceptable." But when I say, "That's fine," what I mean is almost the opposite: it meets a minimum high standard. To me, "fine" means "great."

Who's right? Decorating our home has provided an opportunity to find out. When she shows me a piece of furniture she likes, I have the chance to respond in a way that's convenient for me, or in a way that makes sense to her.

I've learned to choose the latter, which has made collaborative decorating a fun and successful process as we build our shared vision of a home.

5. The Blessing of Self-Sacrifice

Our discussion of the word "fine" provided a second lesson about the blessings of self-sacrifice.

I could have pushed the point that my words mean what my words mean, and she needs to adapt. But is that really the best way to handle the situation?

If I'm to love self-sacrificially, as Christ loved the church, is it not more appropriate for me to give a little bit on my choice of words, and think before I speak?

I believe so. And in this trivial example (and countless others) I've found greater satisfaction in laying my preferences down for her, than I would have if I staked my position and attempted to defend it.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25)

6. Growth in the Ways I Need To

As an unexpected benefit, this process has taught me to be far more precise with my communication.

In the case of home decor, it's taught me to look carefully at the options she shows me, and to give more than a cursory response. Is something "great" or do I actually like, or even love it?

These distinctions matter to her, and ultimately make a difference in our everyday environment based on things we buy and things we pass up.

But more significantly, it reminds me that, as a guy who communicates for a living, what I say might not be what someone hears. More precise communication benefits everything I do, not just my marriage.

"The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer" (Proverbs 15:28)

7. Appreciating Myself the Way She Sees Me

I don't think I'm a particularly handsome guy. That statement isn't loaded with moral judgment. It means the same as me saying, "I don't think I'm a particularly purple-skinned guy." It is what it is.

But my wife sees me as a handsome man, and praise God she reminds me of that fact all the time. She says the nicest things to me, many of which challenge my own self-image in a good way.

The objective truth of my looks isn't what matters. What matters is how she SEES me, learning to accept how I appear in her eyes and not to dismiss the compliments as mere flattery or ignore them.

After all, she married me. Scripture says, "Out of an abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) Little compliments like that remind me of the abundance in her heart for me, which takes me into the abundance in my heart for her. This leads me to ever greater self-sacrifice.

"She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life" (Proverbs 31:12)

8. Sooner Would Have Been Better

I wish I had known all of this years ago. But culture beat it into my head that marriage was drudgery and servitude. My parents didn't exactly set a great counter-example, either.

Yes, I'm still a good Calvinist. I trust God's providence in all my steps as preparing me to be the husband to a woman who was similarly prepared to be my wife. I also believe that God is efficient, which is to say that He does nothing that is not absolutely necessary. So every step was needed to prepare me for the woman I now love, and vice versa.

AND...

If I could go back in time to tell my younger self one thing, it would be that marriage doesn't have to be at all like culture tells me it is. There is a better way, in the last place I had ever planned to look.

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22)

9. Marriage is a Covenant

Because in the end, marriage is not what culture told me it is, either.

I have my marriage license in a folder right beside me. That piece of paper is not my marriage.

We have printed photos of our wedding, and wonderful memories of the day and the honeymoon that followed. Those are similarly not my marriage.

I also have a collection of treasured memories of the time we've spent together since: memories of laughter, togetherness, self-sacrifice, collaboration, growth, tenderness, and enjoyment of the everyday mundane. But even those are not my marriage.

My marriage is something else entirely, something I can't touch or taste or feel, but that has real weight I sense all the time.

Because my marriage is a set of promises I made to a woman—and the promises she made to me—in the sight of our loved ones and especially of God. The word for that is “covenant.”

Though my loved ones might not know right away if I'm failing to fulfill my covenantal promises, I do. And God does.

But here's the thing: a covenant isn't like indentured servitude, like culture claims. There aren't only punishments for breaking promises, there's more.

Because a covenant also contains blessings for faithfulness.

This process that I outlined of giving myself in a small way over the word “fine”? That’s my gesture of faithfulness: I love her by sacrificing myself for her. Just as her compliments are her way of respecting me, because she also sees me trying.

By engaging in this process together, we turn the wheel of our lives one revolution forward at a time.

Culture didn't tell me any of this. It promised only a slow spiral down, as we grind against each other for a lifetime.

Meanwhile, in just two short months I've already found that together, in the sight of God (and with plenty of His help) we're going further up and further in.

Yes, this is just a very small example. And no, it’s not the finish line—obviously far from it! But I’d say it’s a good start.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Ephesians 5:31)

So, how's married life?

It's wonderful, thank you. What a blessing!