A Checklist For Christian Dating
My personal guidelines to succeed in a complicated (and difficult) time for Christian singles.
Someone asked me the following question on Twitter today:
This is something I’ve given a fair bit of thought to. I haven’t written much about it, because I tend to be guarded about my personal life. I’m careful to make sure that I don’t follow the “Manosphere mistake” of setting myself up as an example to follow, because I don’t believe I am.
But in this case, I felt that my personal list might benefit Jeremy, and my followers.
Here’s what I wrote in response:
The only Christian dating book I've read and can recommend with any confidence is Doug Wilson's "Get the Girl." [Amazon] There may be others. But I've read far too many "classics" that are contaminated with feminism and egalitarianism.
I also can't think of a single expert off the top of my head. But since this is a big part of my world right now, here's a few from my checklist:
1. Is first seeking the Kingdom of God. Attends church, reads the Bible, prays regularly, and speaks with a clarity about her faith. Is aware of what the Bible says about men and women, agrees with it, and is in a church (or is actively looking for a church) that teaches it.
2. Has a good relationship with her father, at least for her part. Which is to say, she's invested genuine time and energy towards healing that aspect of her life, if needed.
3. If 30+, is ready to account for her whereabouts from age ~22 until today. Did she engage in sexual relationships? Has she repented from them? Does she regret them deeply? Has she taken responsibility for buying the lies of feminism that led her away from marriage? Or is she insisting on the righteousness of her choices, when compared to a biblical standard?
4. Understands she is a sinner in need of a savior, and therefore has the ability to say, "I'm sorry."
5. Comes pre-bundled with an existing nutrition and fitness routine. Cares for her body because it's hers.
6. Wants kids, and wants to enjoy the process of making them with her husband.
7. Is attractive to *you.*
I regard these as basic. That our world thinks they're "advanced" or even unrealistic is a sign of how broken the world is.
But I would advise a woman to seek almost the exact same things in a man. Read them again. (Note: For men I'd add a couple more.)
These are the standards I hold myself to. Therefore, these are the standards I look for in a woman.
And finally, yes it's OK to have standards for women. A woman who disagrees with that principle lacks empathy for men—not to mention wisdom—and therefore is not someone worth pursuing.
I think a lot of pastors would miss at least one or two of those, particularly numbers 3 and 5. Because they touch on hot-button topics in our society relating to women’s sexual autonomy and their self-esteem, respectively.
Sexual Healing
It’s difficult to say in our culture—which has been completely captured by the Sexual Revolution—that women do not have a right to “sexual autonomy” outside of marriage. And yet they don’t.
Because neither do men.
So we rightly chastise men for pornography usage, and hear hear! But as yet, I can’t recall any pastors calling for active repentance for at least two generations’ worth of women’s sexual misbehavior.
Meanwhile, legions of 35+ year-old women are flooding into churches seeking husbands. And men are rightly concerned what the girls have been doing between ages 18 (or 16!) and 35.
Have they been sexually active? Do they understand Paul’s admonition in 1 Corinthians 6:18:
“Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.” [link]
In my limited experience, they don’t.
Because when I explain to women how I believe that, in order to be prepared for marriage to a godly man, they must repent for every sexual experience they’ve had out of wedlock—including and especially the ones they enjoyed!—they tend to get quite defensive.
Unfortunately, the only reason I understand the necessity of sexual repentance is because I’ve had to undergo this exercise for myself. It was terrible. A real gut check.
And it brought me closer to God than anything in the past year.
I credit John Eldredge’s “Prayer for Sexual Healing” for introducing me to the idea way back in 2019, long before I became a Christian.
You can read that prayer here [link]. He’s also made it available for download, so you can listen to it:
Additionally, this is one reason why I wrote my free PDF guide, “12 Rules for Chastity: An Antidote To Weakness”, which encourages men in chastity, as well.
I don’t want other men to go through what I did, if they can avoid it. My prayer is that it blesses their future wives, as well.
You can download that free guide here: [LINK TO GUMROAD]
Working on the Weight
The second guideline I think a lot of pastors would miss concerns the issue of women’s weight.
Now look, I understand we live in an age of anxiety. Whereas men tend to medicate their anxiety with video games, pornography, and watching sports, women tend to medicate anxiety with food. I get it.
AND
It is an undeniable fact that a woman’s weight correlates directly with her marriage prospects.
None other than Pastor CR Wiley reposted the following tweet about a scientific study that was conducted on the subject, adding his caption, “Wow, who knew?” [LINK TO WILEY TWEET]
Naturally, reading this would be quite confronting to a woman led to believe that “big is beautiful” and that men preferring thinner women constitutes “fatphobia” or even “sexism.”
But the reality is what the reality is. And all the cultural propaganda in the world can’t change what men want.
Put another way, you can win an election on fraudulent votes. But that doesn’t mean you have the actual voters to back you up.
Let the reader understand. :)
That said, it’s unrealistic to expect that pastors—or Christian media of any sort—would tackle this topic, because it involves piercing women’s self-esteem in an acute way. True sexual repentance accomplishes the same.
The bad news is that a woman with pierced self-esteem is often unable to function until she finds a way to rebuild it.
The good news is that the pierced self-esteem will give her the opportunity to rebuild her identity on the only firm foundation: Christ.
I’ll write more on this topic soon.
Perhaps someday in the not-too-distant future, weight and fitness is a topic that Christians will be able to tackle. In the meantime, a nutrition and fitness regimen is crucial for me, because it’s a standard I hold myself to.
Also I’d add that a man who doesn’t care for his body is a man who likely can’t be trusted to care for much else. He’s greatly diminished in his ability to protect, provide, and model Christ for his family, which I’ve written about in my Obesity series, which you can start here:
One last point about this is that I’m not advocating for any specific body shape or level of fitness.
Point #7 is that she has to be attractive to YOU. All different kinds of men are attracted to all different kinds of women. All that matters is how you feel about her. And the practice is far more important for the long term than the results.
Because King Solomon so wisely said in Proverbs 31:30:
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing. But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.”
See Point 1. :)
Amen and amen.